I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
