I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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