Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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