The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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