I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They have beer where we have blood.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
