I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
