How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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