I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
