Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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