Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize