He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We need to get me chipped asap
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize