Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
