I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
two words: eviction party
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
