I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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