You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
