so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do vagina's smell?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
