Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
