Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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