I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
