I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
