Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
