i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
