Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
