My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
