after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
