Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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