ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
