How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize