My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize