o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
