Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize