Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
