dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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