He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
