Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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