I am in a vortex of obligation.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
