Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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