just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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