I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
