if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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