I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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