i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
