I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
