my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
