I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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