Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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