I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
