everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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