I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
