I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
