Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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