I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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