Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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