I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
