My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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