I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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