I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sorry about my life...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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