Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
