he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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