Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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