Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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