That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
