I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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