Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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