I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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