he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
