I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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