Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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