the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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