I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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