He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
