Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
