I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
