finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's shark week go big or go home
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
