I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
