One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish you could order shots online.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize