I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
