He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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