I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
