someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
