ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
