farters have to be the big spoon...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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